Another middle-of-the-night post, so likely another short one. Just feeling good. My friend who seemed to be doing so badly now seems to be headed in a better direction. I’m getting to know someone who I hadn’t really had any luck with before. Had an argument with a friend, made more out of it than it really was, but now things are fixed and they seem to be going well again. It’s an interesting feeling. I know anxiety feels like a strange sensation in my chest; sometimes it makes my heart feel like it is beating irregularly. But this.. I don’t quite know how to describe this.It’s a little like the feeling I get when I’ve had a lot of caffeine, but in a pleasant sort of way.
I’m not really used to feeling this good. To be honest, it has been a long time, years, maybe over a decade, since I’ve felt this good. This might be the best I can really remember feeling. I guess it probably isn’t a big surprise that I’d like to keep feeling this way. I think the real test of going back to St. Louis will be if this feeling continues while I’m there, or if it goes away; all the logical reasons to stay here might not hold a candle to feeling like this. Joy has been such a stranger to me for so long that that alone would be a reason to stay here, but is it because of the treatment, or is it because of the people I’m around? Is there some other combination of factors that makes me feel this way here? Can I replicate this same feeling in St. Louis – will I even need to?
Thoughts of the trip back to St. Louis tend to make me kind of nervous, but right now, I don’t think I’m feeling it. I think that I’ll just try and enjoy this feeling while it lasts, and see if I can find some good, logical arguments for both going to St. Louis and staying here. It’s kind of nice to be feeling this way. After a good day of being able to hang out with friends and talk about important things, it’s nice to feel uplifted, not beaten down. I could get used to this.