Yesterday I had a call with my parents, largely about what I will end up doing going forward with my life. It did not go well. After the call, I felt worse than I had at any point since January, so it was not a fun day. I didn’t know whether I felt the need to scream, cry, punch something, throw up, or just curl up, shut down, and let the world pass me by. I went out to dinner with a friend to try and bring me out of it, and it worked, partially – though I barely tasted my dinner because even my taste buds had gone numb.
Now I have an e-mail from my parents sitting in my inbox. It is long, and I am sure it is heartfelt. But after yesterday, I don’t think I have managed to calm down or normalize enough to read it and respond to it in a way that will be helpful to anyone. My first instinct is to lash out, to try and be as hurtful as I can because I felt so hurt and awful yesterday, but I’m not going to do that. In fact, until I feel I can respond to it in a way that might be helpful and constructive, I’m not going to respond at all, because I need more time to process what is on my mind. I’m not ignoring it, but I am going to wait until I feel I can answer it without rushing into old patterns. I have tried those in the past, and they didn’t work; and I know that trying to same thing over and over again and expecting a different result is sometimes seen as the definition of insanity.
It’s a lot to handle. I am looking at a very big decision, one that could, and probably will, impact my life greatly, for better or worse. My time here at the step-down program, which I have been paying for myself, ends on July 20th, because I can no longer afford to pay after that. I would like to stay longer, because I think the extra time would help me with plans I have already started making but which are still relatively unformed, but I don’t know that it is really an option. Essentially, it all comes down to whether I think I should stay here where I am and try to make a life for myself here, or return to St. Louis and see if I can build a new life.
I don’t have a lot of time to think, but I do have at least today. So I will see if I can calm down enough to try and respond in a constructive manner. Wish me luck.