I don’t mean to imply that I am under some sort of undue pressure with the entry title, but I’ve had the song in my head all day and I liked it as a title. My day, and week so far, has really been more of what you would call confusing than feeling pressured. It has had both ups and downs, though neither has been particularly serious, and so I thought that was what I would write about today.
I talked with my therapist today, and he said (sorry if I paraphrase) that it was easier to find out what was going on in my head by reading my blog than talking to me. As I explained to him, it is because with this blog, I have time to organize and clarify my thoughts – if I were to try to get all of this out in conversation, there would be a lot of long pauses and “Umm..”s. Also, in a conversation with someone, whether my therapist or a friend or just someone who is concerned about me, I often don’t know what to say – and most of this wouldn’t come out unless the right questions were asked, because this all just kind of flows out on my blog, but would take longer to put together in person.
I’m very confused about my situation with a friend right now, but I don’t know what I can say about it that wouldn’t sound incredibly convoluted, make me sound like a total jerk, or get me in trouble (or, in my case, probably all three), so while that is a situation that weighs on my mind a lot right now, I’ll have to put it aside for now. It is probably one of the few things I can discuss in real conversation more easily than through this particular medium, which is a bit strange. I feel very sad, guilty, and afraid, probably moreso than the situation warrants, but I don’t deal with loss well, and I am (likely) catastrophizing when I say that my actions make me scared that I could lose a very close friend.
I think things on the job front are progressing well, or as well as they can right now; I have everything I need for my resume, so now I just need to start thinking about a cover letter. It’s been a long time – 15 or 16 years – since I have had a full-time job, and that was a miserable job working as a telemarketer which didn’t require a resume, just a pulse. It’s anxiety-inducing, but also a little exciting, because it is such a new experience for me. I’m looking into teaching first, as well as jobs in professional writing, so god help the poor students stuck with me (cue evil laugh).
I am also starting to get out of the step-down community, which is nice, because as much as I love the people here, when I leave they won’t necessarily still be around. So I started going to DBSA (Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance) – well, I started last week, so today was my second group – and I got to go today with a pair of very cool women who I’m getting to know who are trying to do the same thing. So there were some familiar faces in with the new ones, and I think I may be getting the hang of this branching out thing. Now I just need to find an RPG group – but I think that is being handled.
So things are confusing, with both good and bad mixed in, but I think much of it is positive – even if I can’t seem to get rid of this nauseous feeling of fear I’ve had since last night. I can recognize it as something that can’t and won’t dictate my life, which is a good step for me; even though I feel it – and it sucks, believe me, my dinner last night can vouch for that – I am not letting it take over my life and how I do things. I went to groups today, went to lunch, saw my therapist, went for a swim, and went to DBSA, and didn’t let my fear – which might have been a crippling feeling six months ago – take over.
As for the rest? Well, I’ve decided that my motto is now ‘Dum spiro, spero’ – ‘While I breathe, I hope’. I may get it tattooed somewhere as a constant reminder (though probably not my forehead; that’s only for guys named Raven with ‘Poor Impulse Control’ tattoos).