I spend a lot of time talking about mental issues. That’s mainly because that was one of my main goals in writing this blog. but there are times when I want to talk about other issues – issues that aren’t necessarily related to my own mental problems, but are problematic for me all the same. One of those is, as I have mentioned in the past, my relationships with people of the opposite sex (i.e., women).
It’s odd, having gone to an all-male high school, and being surrounded by mostly guys at college, that most of the people I am closest to here in Texas are women. I am surrounded by them. Now, I’m not complaining. I like women. I like having them around. I like having guys around, too, but it always seems easier to have serious conversations with women. I’m not quite sure why that is, but in my case it’s true. But I do have a lot of female friends here, and given that I am still trying to work out a lot of things emotionally, I sometimes have trouble telling my feelings apart,
See how that could be confusing? Well, it gets better. Because I am generally kind of socially awkward, and I never really knew any women before college – and the ones I did know all ended up going out with and/or marrying male friends – I have extreme difficulty reading signs of any kind. I mean, I can generally tell when someone is mad at me. But in a community where a lot of people have traumatic backgrounds and are often very tentative with physical contact (and I should know, I’m one of them), reading signs is both important and difficult.
Honestly, I don’t know how to tell if a woman has any interest in me. That has happened so rarely in the past that I could probably count the times on one hand and have fingers left over. And, reading material on dating, even things aimed at socially awkward people, has limited information to give me. It can tell me how I should try to act, but aside from very vague generalities, it can’t really tell me what a woman might be thinking or feeling.
That’s a question that scares me. Well, the whole process scares me, but that first big gate – asking someone if they’re interested enough to go out with you – is particularly worrisome for me. It’s essentially a leap of faith, which is something I don’t have a lot of in general, working on extremely limited information. While I enjoy the abstract nature of discussing literature, I also like to have information when possible, and more is usually better. I’m actually sitting here reading through an e-book called The Geek’s Guide to Getting the Girl because I feel I am so inexperienced in this area.
Honestly, I’m not sure what to say here, other than that I am confused and not sure where to go. Even if I like someone in this community, would asking them out, or expressing my interest, be weird? Should I look for that kind of shared experience, or should I go outside this little pool? These are questions that keep me up at night.