After a couple days off there, to deal with some personal issues (like having to go back to St. Louis to get a temporary driver’s license so I can drive around Texas legally), I am back. And it seems like times are tough for a lot of people. It’s hard to watch, because I’ve been there, on both sides, and it is neither easy nor enjoyable.
I have one friend who is currently in a mental hospital (well, technically an ‘acute care facility’, but yeah, a mental hospital), and another who is going there tonight, both because of suicidal ideation. I have a third who tends to ride the line pretty close on that one, though she seems to have gotten a little better. Another girl I know has been suicidal within the past two weeks, and while she seems to have improved, there’s no telling if it is a long-term improvement or not. And those are just the people I know who are suicidal or close to it; there are several others with serious problems that just don’t quite reach this level.
It’s a lot to handle, both for them and for me; I hate watching friends go through this kind of thing, because I wish I could do more to help, and at the same time I know I need to retain some sort of distance from it because I don’t want to be pulled in. It would be terrible if, in trying to help a suicidal friend, I got too close and started on that road again myself. So I have a real need for boundaries there, but it does frustrate me that I can’t do more.
I’m also feeling very conflicted about a woman; I like her a lot, and I would like to see if there’s more to it than that, but at the same time she is in a pretty dark place and I don’t want to put any more pressure on her than there already is. I keep worrying I’ll say something stupid to give myself away when we talk, and I’m just really not sure what to do. It’s not an area where I have a lot of experience, so I’m very much kind of flailing around in the dark.
I also want to find more to do with myself. I have my friends here, and they’re great, and I love spending time with them. And I have several groups I go to on a regular basis, and they’ve been very helpful in keeping me on an even keel. But I think a job is something I need not just for money, but also to give my life more structure. I don’t like having all this time to myself; I’m not getting depressed, but it can be a bit boring at times. At the same time, the job market has not been very kind to me; I’ve only gotten one response in over a month, and that was to turn me down. It doesn’t help that I just keep getting pressure from certain parties who mention it over and over, as if they think I don’t realize how important it is.
So, my life will continue to be interesting for at least a while longer, it seems. Maybe I’ll find something else I like to do or try – I mean, I’ve already tried mushrooms on pizza, rock-climbing, pool workouts, and manicures, so I’m open to new things. Maybe something really cool will happen. Failing that, at least I’ll have things to talk about here, because there is no shortage of things on my mind.