Sorry for the time away, but it has been a busy couple of days. Having a new relationship is a big part of my life now, even if she is going into treatment on Monday. I’ve felt happy a lot this week; just being around her makes me happy, which is pretty nice. She’s such a good, smart, beautiful, strong woman; I only wish she could see it herself, or believe it when I tell her.
She’s still in a pretty bad place, which is hard to watch. It’s especially hard when it seems like nobody else in her life except for me and a few friends seems to be supporting her decisions. I don’t want to pressure her into anything she wouldn’t want to do if she were feeling better, since this is kind of a first relationship for both of us, so I’m trying to keep my distance in some ways while trying to support her in others.
We’ve been pretty frank in our conversations, both about our feeling towards each other and our experiences in general. There’s a lot she isn’t able to tell me yet, but I hope that the treatment she gets helps her to come to terms with what she feels and the events of her past. I also hope it helps with my ability to communicate in general.
I was actually talking to my therapist earlier tonight about this; in verbal conversation, I tend to reveal very little of what is on my mind; my answers tned to be short, terse, and to the point, following the letter of any question asked of me rather than the spirit. This can often leave the questioners (often my friends) frustrated, because they were looking for more information and context than I tend to give. I’m much more open and communicative, oddly, here, and in other textual mediums, which is strange.
Communication is something I really want to work on, both with my friends and, especially, with this new relationship. I want to be able to tell them – and especially her – what they are asking, and give them all they are looking for conversationally. I want to be able to share my thoughts and feelings so that we can understand each other, and express how much my friends – and new relationship – mean to me.
Being able to say how much I care – and have the people I care for believe me and what I am saying – is a big step for me. I want to take it.