Yeah, didn’t mean to imply that my job is overly hard – for the most part, it is just the right degree of hard, at least physically. I’m just happy that the other night, when my general manager pulled me aside on a break to talk to me, it wasn’t because I was in trouble – but rather because he wanted to give me the opportunity to stay on at Barnes & Noble as a more long-term employee. That’s right – after January 5th, I will be a regular Barnes & Noble employee, entitled to vacation (eventually) and everything. It’ll only be 24 hours a week, true, but it gives me time to do other things and have enough energy to actually do some stuff outside of work.
I’m still waiting to hear back from Calla; I heard from her on Christmas Eve, and it didn’t sound like she was doing too well, but I hope that she’s doing better now. I’m worried about her, but that may be just me; I just feel like there is more I could be doing, but there is so little I can do from here and with the communication restrictions enforced by her treatment center. I spend more time wondering about whether I am trying to do too much or not enough than is probably helpful for me.
Honestly, feeling like I can’t do anything to help my friends is becoming a recurring theme over the last few days. I keep hearing things from my friends that make me wish I knew how to help, but I don’t, so even though I tell them I want to help, I don’t know where to start. It seems frustrating for all involved, and so I am trying to find ways to be of more use, but with the topics at hand, it ain’t easy. Saying more than that, though, is not in the cards for now, because the topics I am hearing aren’t mine to bring to light.
It’s times like these that I wonder how much being a good friend is a part of who I am, or who I am trying to be. It seems to me like I spend a lot of time worrying about the problems my friends have, possibly more than my own; that may be because I think that they’re more important than me – or it may be because right now, my problems, such as they are, just aren’t that pressing. I mean, my depression is under control, I have health insurance for the first time in a year, I have a regular job, and I am living on my own – what do I have to worry about? This is a topic that I need to put some more thought into, and any suggestions, questions, ro comments are welcome.