For the most part, I don’t have a lot of complaints about my life. My job leaves me sore, but that’s pretty easy to take care of. No, most of my worries these day are about the people I care about. And there are certainly times where that can be painful. One of my closest friends is currently out of town, and doesn’t really have much in the way of means of contact. She can only call out occasionally, can’t be reached by computer, and I can’t directly call her.
I’m really worried about her, because I care for her a lot; but I don’t hear from her often. In fact, on the list of people she seems to want to contact, I seem to run pretty close to last. She calls her close friend – who, to be honest, she’s known longer than me, and who has dealt with a lot of the same problems and come out the other side. She calls her family – who, let’s face it, are her family, even if they do have a fair amount to do with her problems at their root. Me? I don’t really know where I stand.
She says she has feelings for me, which I don’t doubt on some level. I know I have them for her. But it’s a little hard not to feel hurt when I am always the last person to hear any news, and what little I do hear is almost always second- or third-hand. I know she is dealing with her own issues, and they’re serious, and I get that. I had to deal with my own not so long ago, and I’m not sure that in her position I wouldn’t be doing the same thing.
But at the same time, it is hard not knowing. I do everything I can to contact her, and it’s just not easy to know that I’m not going to be any of the people she tries to contact first. She says she feels like a burden, but she’s never been that to me. I just want to hear her voice, to know that she feels she can contact me. I won’t abandon her, though I know she’s afraid of that. I’m not giving up, I’m just scared, and hurt, and feeling helpless. It may sound childish, and you know, it might be – I don’t have a lot of experience with these kind of things.
But I just don’t like being the last to know anything from someone who says she cares. I know it’s hard, when you don’t feel like you can trust anyone, to take that chance and reach out to someone – but I wish she’d reach out to me. I’m here.And I’ll be here as long as she wants me to be. I just don’t know that she does.