I’ve noticed that some of my relationships can be a bit strange. I seem to get attached to certain people in my life – mostly friends, or possible romantic interests. And the closer I feel to them, the more I wish I was in contact with them. This doesn’t necessarily apply across the board, of course – friends who are far away, or who I know have busy schedules, I know I will hear from less frequently, and I accept that. It’s part of growing up; we can’t always stay in close contact with the people in our lives. But people who are closer, I want to hear from more often. And the longer we go without talking, in some fashion, the more nervous I feel.
By nervous, I mean that whole “What if they don’t like me anymore?” kind of high school vibe. Which, I grant you, can be a little clingy. But I have had to leave a lot of people behind in my life, and so I am very worried that I will lose other people – especially people I’m close to. This tends to be even more noticeable when I miss a day of medication – specifically my antidepressants, because thyroid medication doesn’t affect that one way or the other. The medication tones the nervousness down, but doesn’t make it go away – it’s just kind of like turning down an annoying noise to a tolerable level.
It’s kind of frustrating, because I know, logically, that my friends who aren’t in contact with me have their reasons; some of them are very busy right now, or at other times, and I know that this desire of mine to be in more constant contact is tough to deal with for them – and sometimes annoying. But I get scared when I don’t hear from the people I care about, especially when we have previously had a very close relationship and now things seem to have drifted apart. Trying to get the emotional and logical sides of my brain to agree on issues like this is weird. But it’s kind of attached to me, much like I feel attached to some people.