Kind of a Mess

That about describes me right now, because for whatever reason, today I just feel like a big old collection of sadness, anger, frustration, and fear. It’s really due to a number of things – any one of which would probably be relatively easy to handle on its own, but when they all seen to hit me at about the same time, it makes for a somewhat unpleasant evening.

First, I have a relationship with a friend not only not going in the direction I hoped it would go, but apparently actively going the opposite direction. Then I find out that the CEO of the company I worked for got more as a bonus to his salary this year than I would in 150 years of working 32-hour weeks, every week – and this is for a company that is, on the whole, losing money. Then I make the mistake of reading a discussion where people I would normally respect seem to keep taking up the position of defending a man who essentially lured two teens into breaking into his home, and then, while they were unarmed, drew them into his basement where he gloated and then shot them, multiple times, killing both, before hiding the whole thing. And now it also seems that the one job I was really interested in getting not only has strings they don’t mention in the application for training, but that the possibility of even getting the training is far more competitive than I had been led to believe, and I’m at a disadvantage.

The confluence of those events, which seems to have all kind of hit me today, has me feeling a number of unpleasant things all at once, and I’m still trying to work out how to deal with them. I know that even writing this out will probably have some people very worried that I will be headed for a relapse, regardless of what I say. I’m not depressed, and I don’t believe it will get to that point, but I am feeling a number of unpleasant things all at once, and I am trying to figure out how to best deal with what I am feeling. Since this is a blog about mental health, and my own mental status, I figured it was probably important to write something about it here, even if it did cause trouble – just the fact that I am willing to do that, even knowing it will probably be messy, is a good sign, I think.

I’m not really sure what to do with all of this, but I imagine that I will find a way, or several ways, to try to work through some or all of it in the next day or so. It’s just a bunch of things to deal with, each of which I would have preferred to deal with separately.

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5 comments on “Kind of a Mess

  1. AV says:

    You’ve got this, Jamie. I know that the world can seem like a big ball of suck sometimes, but it is only sometimes. And you have people; family, friends, Romans, countrymen, and ears; standing with you.

    I’m sorry I missed your message earlier. Also, my phone is dead or I’d shoot you a supportive text (it has been a bit of a day universally, it seems!). But, still, here for you!

    Job opportunities come and go, and the only “last” opportunity you see during your search will be the one you take. Anyway, enough platitudes. Identify something that will make you happy or relieve stress and go for it. Take care!

  2. waclements says:

    Hi,

    Sorry everything is hitting you at once. It does seem to happen that way a lot; life works in mysterious ways. Right. If they aren’t mysterious ways that don’t have the Mystery Men in them, forget it.
    🙂 And why are you wearing watermelons on your feet?

    I didn’t know you before (not that I particularly know you now) but from your blog you seem like someone who has been through some incredibly rough times, but has learned more about yourself in the process. So, when you say you’re not on the point of a relapse, I believe you–we know our own minds best, most of the time.

    It’s so hard when relationships don’t go the way we want. Sometimes it seems like it’s not the way things were _supposed_ to go. I’m a romantic, I want my happy ending. The thing that is hard to explain to others sometimes is that it does hurt, as much as a physical pain. And the stupid saying about time healing wounds is unfortunately right. Letting things drift apart now in that direction doesn’t necessarily mean they might not drift together again somewhere down the road. I am not the person to speak wisdom about relationships.

    About your former CEO–Keeshond. Okay, that’s so random I’m keeping it. I wrote “jeesh” and it autocorrected. Yeah, there’s part of a doggy visiting card (now I’m just being juvenile) in all that. There are no words to describe it; it is beyond reason, sense, and human decency to give someone that much money for slowly sinking a ship. My advice, though, is just to let it go. Frequent flyer miles are ringing up on his karmic credit card… It doesn’t have to be anything huge, just the FBI showing up, asking everyone to log into their computers, then leave. That happened years after a grant based non-profit let me go because of the mental issues I was having while going through a divorce. I found out accidentally, but it did make me feel awfully chipper. You never know.

    Apply for the job anyway. That way you’ll know for sure if you were meant to get it or not. Because it’s not a case of failing or succeeding, it’s whether or not you tried. (This is sort of a pep talk for me, too). You really might not be ready, but you might be.

    Personally, I think the fact you can write about these things is huge. It seems like it’s the inability to express emotions and feelings is where problems start, sometimes. I was always an obsessive journaler when I was feeling off one way or another(which kept me pretty busy).

    I just felt I should say, in a few words, that there is strength under your words. There’s not a lot you can do about some of the things, but it doesn’t mean you’re not entitled to feel the way you do. No one can do that.

    Look at the job description. How much do you _know_ for a fact you can’t do (thinking about the testing as well), how much are you telling yourself you can’t do (I’m really guilty of this one), and how much can you do/learn?

    Okay, I’m going to go before this sucks up a vortex of space and time…

    As one of my friends used to say, this too shall pass. And he was right. It does. You just might need a few giant white chocolate cherry amaretto (not amontillado) mochas to help you along, along with your friends. 🙂
    Take care,
    Wendy

    • Well, of the things I was concerned with earlier, it seems the relationship is probably the least of my worries. It seems that there was some serious miscommunication, on both of our parts, Hopefully we’ll be a little better about getting things together int he future, because it seems to have done kind of a number on both of us.

      As far as the CEO, it isn’t something I can really do anything about, it just burns me up that when I head to work, I do everything I’am asked and more, every day that I go in, and I’m stuck working at minimum wage, and this guy gets more than I could earn at the job in over a hundred years as a bonus. If the company is losing money, why the hell is he getting a bonus?

      As for the job training, I’m going to apply again. I already applied once, and I got turned down, I’m going to try and find a volunteer job that I can do while I’m not at my paying job, and see if that will help to get me in the door for the next round of job training. I don’t know what the odds are, but it’s the thing in the market that most interests me right now; I’d like to be able to help people in something resembling the way I’ve been helped. I though that my condition was hopeless for a long time, and realizing it wasn’t was a huge change for me.

      IT will pass, though sadly I can’t help it along with amaretto, since I don’t drink. Friends, though, I do have, and we’ll help each other along. Thanks for the advice. 🙂

      • waclements says:

        Sounds like you’ve got it more together than I did when I was your age, which makes me glad.

        It’s amazing how miscommunication can screw things up. My best friend lives in Germany, we’ve never met, yet we connected on a very deep is what I’m saying level–the longer we’ve known each other the more alike we’ve found ourselves to be: the same types of mental issues, tastes in books, we’re both creative… We support each other, but we have had misunderstandings. He’s only a year older than I am but is much wiser than I am. The thing is, he’s the only one I can talk to about any mental issues because no one else understands. I don’t have very many friends, mostly because many people don’t get me and I’ve had a lot of bad experiences in the past few years trusting people who had supposedly been friends but weren’t, as it turned out. So I’m a bit on an island, mostly by choice–I’ve always gotten along with guys, for the most part, better. I get along better with my dad–I’m sure there’s something in all that. I do wish I was closer to Germany, though.

        It’s torani syrup flavoring, so there’s no alcohol–I don’t drink either (meds), and didn’t much before that. Never into drugs, either (I think my brain was telling me something). So you’re safe with the amaretto from the coffee stand (I liked the flavor better than the alcohol anyway). I wonder what a barista would do if you asked for amontillado? 🙂

        Have you heard of Deborah Tannen? She studies the different ways men and women communicate.

        Off to try to make a squirrel out of a glove and listen to Dark Souls 2 mutterings from my bf. May require removing myself to another room. 🙂

        Take care. Don’t mean to seem bossy re: advice. Am really impressed how well you handle things.

  3. Laurel says:

    Jamie I hate to hear you suffer so much like this. I am always available by phone or otherwise. Pls don’t hesitate to contact me anytime, day or night. I keep my phone on at night due to alarm for work and for special people like you. I know you probably don’t believe in prayer. , but to me it is powerful- we don’t have to agree – to each his own- her own 😉 me and laurel will keep you in our prayers. Pls know that I have a pretty decent clue what you have been thru since we’ve been at Menninger and how amazing the progress you have made. I know one thing for sure- as uncomfortable and as unfriendly you must feel- you I know without question you have the skills to get thru this rough patch. K and laurel

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