Earlier today, I got some really bad news from Calla – she doesn’t see a possibility in the future, at least not anytime soon, of having a romantic relationship with me. That was pretty painful news for me. I’ve always known there was a chance this would happen, but I was hoping, really hoping that it would turn out differently. I knew I had feeling for her way back in October of last year, and over time those feeling grew, and I fell for her as hard as I’ve ever done before. And now that there’s really not any possibility of a relationship like that happening, I have to deal with the mess that results.
I’m not angry; she has perfectly valid reasons for not wanting a relationship right now. There’s just a lot of pain and sadness – an ache in my chest, that kind of burning, anxious feeling I get in my chest when I’m feeling stressed out and panicked. I had to go to work after finding out, so I didn’t really have time to just sit with it; that’s coming now. It’s just an awful feeling; not entirely unlike when Alice died last month, because the possibility of something I had really been hoping for has died. Now I have to figure out how to deal with that, and how to deal with Calla just being a friend.
I feel a little like I’m not entirely in control of my body; I was kind of on autopilot at work tonight, because I was still in shock about what had happened. I can see my fingers typing, and I know my brain is telling them to, but it almost feels like I’m playing some kind of really warped video game. I wish I was, because I’d choose to play one that turned out better for me. I always seem to fall for great women, but never at the right time. I know two isn’t really a pattern, but it feels like it is; I’m almost 35, and if it’s as long between my next almost-relationship as it was between my first and Calla, I’ll be almost 50. My love life just feels kind of hopeless right now, and no amount of telling me how this is all for the best, or she didn’t deserve me, or any of those other cliched lines is going to do anything to make the hurting stop.
I wanted so badly for us to be together; I thought we would have been a good couple, But that’s over now. I’m not sure it was ever really in the cards except in my mind. So now I’m going to go cry, fall asleep, and then wake up in the morning and go back to work. Such is life.