I’ve had a lot of time recently to think about things, and while I’m muddling through a book or two, I don’t think I’ll be writing about those. Relationships have been on my mind recently – both damaged and lost ones, to be exact. As someone with depression, I’ve never been very good at dealing with loss; negative feelings like sadness tend to hit me pretty hard, and relatively easily. So the last few months have been both a trial for me – and an exercise in seeing how far I’ve come since coming to Houston.
I think first, and most permanent, is the loss of Alice in June. We really formed a connection in Menninger, and getting to see her again afterwards when she eventually wound up at the same step-down program as me was nice. As I’ve mentioned before, I don’t tend to form friendships easily or quickly; that’s why making so many friends at Menninger was surprising to me. Even though, after the step-down, Alice and I grew apart, I still considered her a good friend, someone who I would do just about anything for. And so, when she died, it hit me pretty hard. I still think about her; I wonder if maybe talking to people who knew her from Menninger might have helped. And she’s one of the reasons I want to go into social work; maybe my first-hand experience with mental illness, combined with training in therapy, might be able to help someone in a situation similar to hers. But she’ll never be back; there will always be an Alice-shaped hole in my life.
More recently, I’ve had some relationship troubles with Calla. She told me that she doesn’t feel like she is ready for a relationship, and might not be for a long while, and I wanted to try to understand why. My misguided attempts to understand what she felt was holding her back may have pushed her too far, though, and now we’re not speaking. She’s an important part of my life, and so every day that I don’t hear from her just makes it clear to me how much her absence can cause me grief. I want to talk to her, to try to explain what I was trying to say, to apologize, to do something, anything, to get her back in my life. But for right now, the only thing I think I can do is wait for her to decide to talk to me again. Hopefully, she’ll do that soon, and we can work on repairing the damage.
It’s weird; the closer I feel to someone, the more frightened I am that I will do something to drive them away. And now, in some way, that fear has been realized with Calla. I guess it’s just a fear of being abandoned or rejected – well, I say ‘just’ when it’s clearly pretty serious for me, but I guess it’s not all that unusual. It means I kind of need to be in contact, and meeting up with, the people I care about in order to live a healthy life. I can’t do that with Alice, but there’s still hope for me to do that with Calla.