Despite the title, I don’t really believe in destiny. By that, I mean that I don’t think there’s some grand plan for all of us. We aren’t necessarily meant to do anything in particular; there’s no greater purpose. Well, at least not to our individual lives. I think we all have free will, and in order for free will to work, there can’t really be a plan for each of us – because if there was, it would mean that everything we were to do had already been planned out, and that no matter what we did it was what was planned for. Which, given some of the terrible things we can go through – and some of the painful, messed-up things I’ve been through in particular – would mean that the plan for me has been pretty sadistic. I’d prefer to believe that we’d been set in motion, but left to find our own way through life and the universe.
Which, I guess, means that there’s nobody I’m meant to be with. It can feel like it at times, but I think it’s supposed to feel like that in a good relationship. But I know that when I feel something, something big and serious like (for instance) love, I can get pretty intense about it. I take it very seriously, maybe too much so. I don’t feel inclined towards romance all that often, but when I do, I guess I go for it all the way. And that can probably be weird and scary for the other person. It’s hard for me to admit how I feel in a romantic sense, and even harder to express it, but I know what I feel. I also know that my lack of ability to express myself can be confusing or disheartening. I can say the words, and I can mean them, but without much of an ability to express myself, I don’t know how real it feels for the other person. Maybe not enough. My lacking in that area has been a part of at least one failure to get a relationship off the ground, and I wonder if that will keep being a failing that will doom my relationships.
I’m just conflicted. I know how I feel, but not how the other person does. Maybe they don’t know, either.I know that I also have a tendency to assume that things that seem wrong or strange are somehow my fault. Sometimes they might be, but sometimes they aren’t, or can’t be. I assume that I am more of a part of things than I am, and that ends up in unnecessary feelings of guilt for me and trouble expressing what’s really going on for the other person. At this point, I don’t really know what to say. I’m confused, frustrated, hurt, scared. Maybe even a little angry. I don’t know what’s going on, and I don’t deal well with the unknown. I know it might be none of my business, but it’s weird. I want to help, because I feel helpless. I want to do something, because knowing nothing is driving my anxiety level up the wall.
Life is confusing. And I hate to think that somehow this is all planned. Because if so, it’s a really painful plan.