So I’ve been doing some reading about attachment (seriously, look at my past blog posts, people, of course I did some reading!). I found what seem to be a couple good things to read through, which I’ll go into in a bit. But from all I can tell, I definitely fall into the anxious-preoccupied attachment type – though I’ll just call it the anxious type from now on, just because it’s easier to type out. .It’s been some interesting reading, finding out exactly what that seems to mean – and if you are interested in finding out your own type, you can take this test, the Attachment Styles and Close Relationships test.
The hallmarks of being an anxious attachment type person are kind of odd, really. I mean, I tend to take a while to warm up to people; I’m pretty introverted. So, the things that define the anxious attachment type are a little surprising. They are:
- You want closeness and intimacy.
- You are very sensitive to any signs of rejection, and express insecurities.
- You find it hard to tell others directly what you need and what’s bothering you (effective communication), and use protest behaviors (excessive attempts to reestablish contact, acting hostile, keeping score, etc.) instead.
- You need to be reassured and feel loved.
- You need to know exactly where you stand in a relationship.
- You are unhappy when not in a relationship.
- You play games to keep attention or interest.
- You let the other person set the tone of the relationship.
- You are preoccupied with the relationship, devoting a great deal of emotional energy into the relationship.
- You fear that small acts will ruin the relationship, and believe you must work hard to keep the other person’s interest.
It sounds really weird, but looking at it, it makes a lot of sense. When I’m in, or close to being, in a relationship, I do want a lot of closeness and intimacy. I’m not ordinarily a touchy-feely kind of person, but with someone I am interested in, I want a great deal of contact, physical or otherwise. I’m just terrible at knowing how to ask for it, because it’s just so counter to what I have traditionally been taught to expect. And I know I get anxious when I don’t get a chance to be close to the object of my affection, and that comes out in a lot of insecurity – I obsess over whether or not I have done anything wrong, and I take any blame for anything that might have happened on myself – because I assume it must have been my screwup.Thinking about it, almost all of those things make sense to me.
A large part of what I am finding out about this particular style, and how this attachment style interacts with other attachment styles, comes from two sources – one is slightly more technical and more dispassionate; this one is a work by a man named Jeb Kinnison, who has worked in computer and cognitive science, called Bad Boyfriends: Using Attachment Theory to Avoid Mr. (or Ms.) Wrong and Make You a Better Partner. I found this one kind of dry, and not particularly friendly to someone coming to it from out of the field, but it did give me some good advice on where else to look. It pointed me towards another book that I found much more useful and reader-friendly, called Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find – and Keep – Love. It’s written by two people who seem to have done extensive research in the field, Amir Levine, M.D., and Rachel Heller, M.A. It’s been much easier to get into, and had a lot of advice on how an anxious attachment type person can survive and thrive in relationships – what kinds of things to look for and avoid, both in yourself and others. I assume that the other parts of the book would be similarly helpful to people with other attachment types, but I’m not one of them, so I don’t know.
I think that anyone who has ever been unsure of confused about relationships, and why the ones they are in keep going wrong, should read Attached, and I definitely think everyone should take the quiz above. Especially if you end up as a secure attachment type, because then I might need to ask you for some advice. 🙂