Attachment, Part 2

Just wanted to follow up from my last post, because this is an area where I imagine that things will continue to be messy for a long time. Not necessarily bad, but messy – of course, many things that are worthwhile are.

I’m pretty sure that the whole anxious attachment style allies not only to romantic relationships, but also to friendships, as well. I know that in the past, when a friend who is very close has suddenly decided to stop talking to me for an extended period of time, I immediately assume it was somehow my fault, even when there is no evidence of that – partly because I want to continue to think the best of my friends, and partly because I don’t have a historically high self-esteem. I think there’s probably a middle ground there, though – just because a friend has stopped communication, it doesn’t mean I did anything wrong – and it also doesn’t mean they did, either. Especially if I don’t know what happened to cause the radio silence, I need to work on my obsessing about why it happened, because it’s often painful and severely distracting for me. I do prefer it is I know what happened, but sometimes a person just needs some space, and even as a good friend I am not entitled to know what’s going on with them – as much as I may want to, it is up to my friend to communicate, or not. I do still hope that my friends feel like they can come to me if they need to talk, though.

In cases where the relationship becomes a bit more confusing, though, so does everything else. Having romantic feelings for another person seems to cause a whole new bundle of things to go right – or wrong, depending on how things work out. I know that when my heart gets involved, The characteristics of an anxious attachment type come out in force. I want more intimacy – whether mental, emotional, or physical – from the relationship, because that’s always been one of the hallmarks of a romantic relationship in my head. And I know that for some people I’ll probably run into, and maybe even fall for, this will be a big issue, because one of the big points raised in the book Attached I mentioned in my previous post is that people of the anxious type are often drawn to people of the avoidant type – and this can lead to a lot of misery.As they note in Attached, anxious attachment type people probably shouldn’t get together with avoidant people for several reasons:

  • where anxious people want closeness and intimacy, avoidant people want to maintain distance, emotional and/or physical
  • where anxious people are very sensitive to signs of rejection, avoidant people often send mixed signals that can come across as rejecting
  • where anxious people find it hard to tell a partner directly what they need and what is bothering them, avoidant people tend to be bad at reading verbal or nonverbal cues and/or don’t think it is their responsibility to do so
  • while anxious people need to be reassured and to feel loved and cared for, avoidant people will often put a partner down or withdraw emotionally to create the distance the desire
  • where anxious people want to know exactly where they stand in a relationship, avoidant people prefer to keep things fuzzy and undefined
  • while anxious people want to be able to depend heavily on their partner, avoidant people feel a strong need to assert their independence in relationships

If you look at this and think you’ve gone through a relationship where things like this have happened, then you’ve fallen into what the authors of Attached call the Anxious-Avoidant Trap – an anxious partner will pursue their partner for intimacy, while the avoidant partner will pull away for independence, in a vicious cycle that tends to continue until the avoidant person decides to move on or the anxious person can work up the will to try to break out of a relationship that isn’t good for them – which requires a lot of willpower because the anxious partner has likely formed a deep attachment to the other person, and even leaving a bad relationship can be really hard if you love someone a great deal.

Now, I don’t mean to say that avoidant attachment type people are bad people – far from it. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to be independent; it’s caused a lot of things to get done in the world, because sometimes you just have to do things yourself without waiting for others. I just wanted to point out that, when anxious attachment type people and avoidant attachemnt type people get together, there is a lot of potential for things to go really wrong. Relationships between anxious and avoidant people can work, of course, and they can even be really rewarding – but they require a lot of self-awareness and willingness to put a lot of work into the relationship from both parties, and that is hard a lot of the time.

I’m not sure what my relationship status is, honestly. I wish I knew more, but I’m sadly still pretty new to this, so I guess I’ll see how things go, and whether my new information will make any difference.

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One comment on “Attachment, Part 2

  1. […] We also went over some ideas on attachment (which I’ve covered in the past, in Attachment and Attachment, Part 2). It’s fascinating stuff to read; I never would have really considered that relationships can […]

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