What I Want

I’ve had a lot of time to think lately, and a lot of it has been about relationships. Now, historically, I have not had a lot of luck in this department – two attempts and two failures makes for a record that is frankly abysmal even by the percentage standards of Major League Baseball. And a part of this is because, for a lot of the time I’ve been on the market, I have had some serious issues. The first try I made, I was seriously having emotional issues, and I was just not very emotionally available – probably among other problems. This time around, I was just unaware of the kinds of things I wanted from the relationship, and so it caused me a lot of heartache and other troubles that could have been avoided. So I thought that it might be helpful – maybe as a guide for myself in the future, or maybe to provide some insight into what is going on in my head, or maybe just to be helpful to someone else with similar problems. So, here’s a list – probably an incomplete one, but at least a start – of what I am looking for in a relationship.

First, I want to find someone who is comfortable being intimate with me, both physically and emotionally. I’m not necessarily talking about sex, though I imagine that would be a part of it. But I want someone who will want to spend a fair amount of time with me, and want to be close – someone who will listen to me when I have something important to say, and who I can listen to as well. I’m generally pretty good as a listener, but I’m still working on how good I am at expressing myself. That will probably take some time, so I want someone who can be patient in that regard. Being able to be close to the other person is important, too, because I just want someone who will be comfortable curling up on the couch watching TV, or huddling together at a movie, or really anything along those lines.

I also have difficulty explaining what I want or what is bothering me at times, so someone who is patient with me is a big must. Even with two degrees in English, I still struggle to find the right way to try to express what is going through my head, and that can be both confusing and frustrating. I want to be able to help my partner through any of her own such struggles, as well, because I think it’s important to know what’s really going on in the other person’s head.

Third, I want a partner who can take part in, or at least not have a problem with, my hobbies. I’m a pretty big nerd – I like comic books, I love Lord of the Rings, I play RPGs and video games, I’m a fan of Star Wars and Star Trek… I could go on, but that would get tedious. And those things are an important part of my life and who I am, so having a partner who understands that, and is willing to be a part of it is important. I hope that I can do the same with my partner’s interests; I’m pretty open to things, so I like to think that is something that can work out.

I’m sensitive to signs of rejection, as someone with an anxious attachment style, so I know that will come up. I want someone who will be patient and try to reassure me when I start freaking out, who can help me lessen my worries and who is consistent and relatively reliable.

I like to treat the people who are important to me as well as I can; I don’t have a problem going all-out for birthdays, holidays, or any kind of important event, and sometimes I just want to do something unexpected and cool. I want to be with someone I can do that for, who will appreciate it and maybe reciprocate. I want to know that I am as important to them as they are to me.

I don’t want a partner who will make me feel bad because I can come off as ‘needy’ or ‘dependent’. I don’t think those are bad things, as long as I can try to keep them in check, and I like to think they help me to show how much the other person means to me. I want someone who can accept that those are parts of who I am, and who likes that about me. I want someone who can be up-front about their feeling with me, especially concerning her feelings about me, and who wants to be in a relationship.

Yeah, I don’t really talk about a lot of things here, but then, a lot of them aren’t as important. I don’t have a particular body type, hair color, ethnicity, or religion I’d want in a partner, because I think those are all kind of secondary; as long as we both like, even love, each other, and find each other attractive and desirable, that’s good enough. Mostly, I just want someone who will be as good to me as I am trying to be to them, and who won’t just let me try to flail around int he dark trying to figure out what is going on. I’m tired of being alone, romantically speaking. I’ve only had a very small taste of what a good relationship can be like, but I want more. And now I have a better idea of what I am looking for, to hopefully eliminate at least some heartache.

I’m not sure how much sense this is all making; this has really all just been bouncing around in my head all day, and I felt the need to get it out somehow. So I hope it makes sense, but I welcome any questions, comments, or other criticisms to try to help me flesh out these ideas further.


I’m thinking of putting my blog on hiatus. As much as it can be helpful to put my thoughts out in written form, I wonder if the fact that I often mention other people in my life is helpful. While I have often asked other people in my life if it’s OK if I mention them here, I don’t know that it really works out all that well. While what I write here is really just trying to work out my thoughts in written form, sometimes what comes out is not the best representation of what is on my mind, and can cause a lot of trouble in my life. Also, I find myself having to consider what a number of other people might think about what I write, and so I end up second-guessing quite a bit of what I actually end up writing – and censoring my own thoughts on a blog meant to help me process my experiences in life and mental health doesn’t help me at all. So until I can figure out what I can do that won’t require this kind of revision, I think I’ll just try to keep things to myself for a while.