It’s been a while since my last update, and that has largely been because the last week or so has been very traumatic for me. I lost a very close friend on Sunday; she didn’t die, but she will no longer have anything to do with me. And that has been, and is still, something terrible. I feel worse than I did when Alice died; not to say that Alice’s loss wasn’t traumatic and painful, because it was. But here I know there is some part of this that is my fault, even if not all of it is. And I know my friend is still there, and as much as I want to reach out, I know I shouldn’t. I don’t think she would want to have any contact with me, and right now I don’t know that it would do either of us any good. But still, there is now a hole in my life where she was; someone I used to talk with, and share my life with, and try to help and support, as I hoped she did for me, is gone.
For most of the last week, I’ve just been numb from the shock of it all. I knew I should feel terrible, but I just couldn’t make myself feel much of anything. Today is the first day that the grief really hit me, and the waterworks have been flowing freely much of the day. I think I’m close to dry for the day now, so I can see clearly enough to write this, but it’s just a lot of pain to deal with; it’s raw and emotional, and I just had so much invested in our friendship that it’s like a huge part of my life was just cut away. I don’t know that I even really have words to describe how it feels, though I imagine many of us have had to deal with this sort of pain before. I am just terribly sad and hurt, like I’ve lost a limb, or like something was cut out of me.
She was just someone who I cared deeply about, and who was very important to me. I thought we’d formed a close bond in our time together. I knew her as a caring, intelligent, funny, and strong woman, and I hope that she continues to be. I know she isn’t gone, but I don’t think that even if we reconcile that things will be the same. I don’t even know if reconciliation is a very good idea. I miss my friend, though. The world doesn’t seem as bright or hopeful without her as a part of my life. I don’t feel as safe; I’ve taken to deadbolting my door again, though I hadn’t done so in months.
I wish her well for the future; I don’t think I’ll ever be angry with her. It wasn’t a betrayal, just an inability to…hell, I don’t even know. We couldn’t make things work.
I’m not looking for advice on how to deal with this; I think I’ve had plenty. If you feel like commiserating, then do so, by all means. But I’m not really looking for sympathy, either; just trying to figure out a way to give a voice to my feelings, however ill-suited this medium may be for them.