Ever have one of those days where you listen to a song – on the radio, your favorite playlist, a CD, or what have you – and the words just feel like they’re about you? I’ve been having those a lot lately. There are so many song lyrics that I can think of that practically hit the nail on the head lately, and even though it feels that way, it also feels like a very teenager-y thing to think about. I guess that makes sense, though; My last attempt at a relationship was when I was a teenager, and I don’t think I’ve really progressed that far past that. I haven’t had any reason to, really, because I’ve either never had the courage to try to tell another woman that I Was interested or never gotten more than a few words out of my mouth before being shot down until last year. So I guess I haven’t really had the opportunity to progress. In a lot of ways, I still am that teenager, scared and unsure of myself, especially right now.
I don’t know about you, but me, I have a voice in my head – well, not so much a voice as a nagging sensation telling me that I’m not good enough, that I’ll never be loved, that I’ll never be able to give a woman what they might be looking for in a relationship. For the most part, I can tune that feeling out, especially when I feel like things are going well. But right now, after having lost not only someone I loved but all contact with her, that voice has been singing out loud and proud. It’s there when I wake up, and it’s there when I go to sleep; sometimes it keeps me up an extra hour or two just so it can make sure that I hear all about how it was right, that I am hopeless, that no woman will ever want me, that my best efforts will be seen as not supportive enough or, worse, too needy, into an area that borders on mental or emotional abuse. It’s there, and I don’t know how to make it stop, because somewhere inside of me, I wonder if it isn’t right.
I wish I knew how to stop letting this get to me. I wish there was just something I could do, or say, to convince myself that as painful as this is – to lose both a close friend and someone I love, to have them never want to speak to me again – that the pain is just temporary. I don’t want to see this as a pattern – two failed attempts at relationships, both of which feel like they reached into me, pulled out my heart, and made like Mola Ram. Technically, I suppose I’d need a third for a pattern; two is really just a coincidence, unhappy and unpleasant though it may be. But I also don’t know what to do to move forward. I can never tell if a woman is attracted to me, or even likes me, unless she practically hits me over the head, and right now, I don’t think that even if a woman found anything about me attractive, that I’d be in any shape to do anything about it.
So, as you might have expected from the way this post started out, lyrics:
I don’t fear none of my enemies
And I don’t fear bullets from Uzis
I’ve been dealing with something that’s worse than these
That’ll make you fall to your knees and that’s
The anxiety the sane and the insane rivalry
Paranoia’s brought me to my knees
Lord please please please
Take away my anxiety