Disavowal

My head has been a weird place to be lately, and I’m not really sure why. I know that part of it is just the intense feeling of… I’m not sure what to call it. Betrayal? Maybe not that dramatic, but it certainly caused a mess in my head when it happened last month. Someone I had felt very close to had gotten back in touch with me after a very bad parting of the ways a few months earlier, and I was very glad of that – maybe too glad, I guess. I don’t like losing people, and so when I felt like this person might be coming back into my life, I guess I didn’t really look at it that closely, and when this person again decided to leave my life last month, the previous wounds caused – which had been deep, and painful – kind of reopened. And I don’t even have a good reason for why it happened, and I don’t know that I ever will.

That bugs me. I like knowing why things happen. If I have a feeling about something, I want to know why. If something happens that seems interesting or weird, I want to know more about it. I’m inquisitive, and that can get me in trouble – I know that some of my tendency to try to get more answers contributed to things going wrong in the above friendship. I wanted clarity, and my friend wanted something else. More and more, I am convinced – by the voice in the back of my head, because it’s all I really have here – that that person is not who I thought they were, that I saw what I wanted to see and extrapolated a totally different person from that. And because of seeing what I wanted to see, I poured entirely too much of myself into our friendship, only to get badly hurt in the end.

I won’t say that walking away from relationships is wrong; I’ve done it in the past, and I know how upsetting it was for the other side. And I know that the reasons I gave at the time were probably enough for that  person, because I don’t know if any amount of information is enough when you feel like you’ve been rejected and abandoned by someone you thought was a friend. I just know that being on the receiving end is a miserable feeling, especially coming from a friendship that – at least on my end – showed me that I still have the capacity for feelings I thought had been burned out of me years ago. It seems that the heights of that relationship are matched only in the lows of where I find myself now, confused and hurt and unsure of what to do next. What if the next person I reach out to does the same? It took a lot for me to reach out in the way I did, and I don’t know if I want to reach out the same way again if the results will be so terrible.

I don’t think that the pain I am in was caused on purpose. I fervently hope not, because whatever our relationship, I don’t think my friend and I ended on terms that badly. But I’m not really sure what to do with it besides hope it doesn’t happen again in the future, and in the meantime, I find myself terribly trepidatious about the possibility of another relationship, because this kind of pain just doesn’t seem to want to fade. Or maybe it will, but only if I put myself again into a situation that will open me up to the possibility of the same sort of pain again. I can’t be sure. And that not knowing scares me.

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