So, this is the post-game review of my second gratitude challenge. The purpose of the challenge is, of course, to become more grateful and positive in everyday life. Now, I know that I felt a noticeable difference after the first iteration of the challenge, but I don’t know that I necessarily felt one the second time around.
Part of that may be because of the way I’ve generally been feeling for the last month or so – in large part due to Calla’s influence. Even on days when she is feeling miserable, I still somehow feel better just knowing she’s there. On days like today, when she’s productive, making plans, laughing, teasing and joking, I feel a lot better – maybe not walking on air, but maybe a little hovering.
It’s a good thing to try, but I think if I do this again in the future, I’ll wait longer between tries. I think part of not really feeling a change is also doing this so close, temporally, to the first iteration. I don’t know that this is something that really needs doing, even for a guy with depression like me, more than once every 6 months to a year.
In general, though, I just feel….good. Better than I have in years good. I’m interviewing for jobs, I have close friends, both here and around the country, who care deeply for me (and I for them), I have my own apartment, I have support groups and a therapist and a psychiatrist. I’m slowly learning to cook, I’m working out regularly, I get plenty of things to work my mind, and in general, I think things are going really well.
In short, I have hope. I have hope that my current state of mind, while not permanent, can be handled even when it gets worse. I know that there will be times when I will feel worse, but I have hope that things won’t stay bad. I have hope for the future, that there will be a future I can look forward to and enjoy. There are things I hope for that I won’t mention here, though I am sure they won’t be hard to guess for some people. Hope is a pretty powerful force, so I’ll close with a phrase that I haven’t used in a while:
Dum spiro, spero.