This whole work things is really exhausting, but I think I’m getting used to it now. As long as I pop a couple Advil or Excedrin or Aleve, the various aches and pains are pretty minimal, and I’m getting pretty good at navigating the job. I wish my schedule was a little more regular – rotating my schedule every week is a little old, and it makes planning things with friends a lot tougher. It’s kind of nice getting to know a whole new group of people, though, and the crew at Barnes & Noble are a pretty cool bunch.
I haven’t been keeping in touch with a lot of people that I would like to, and I feel sorry about that. Friends from college, from Omaha, friends from Menninger and the stepdown, there are some of all of them that I wish I was closer to or haven’t been in contact with recently, and I am working on changing that. I’m not isolating by any means, but I think the craziness of work and adjusting to the new schedule has kept me from being as close to other people as I want to be. Some people are just hard to get in touch with, and sometimes I’m not great at scheduling (OK, most of the time, I can’t schedule my way out of a paper bag). But I want to find a way to get back in touch, because there are a lot of people I miss hearing from.
I’m still trying to understand a lot of what goes on in my own head, and things happening with other people (Calla specifically, but she’s not the only one). I know I’ve mentioned in the past that I have a lot of trouble actually talking, face-to-face, to other people, even close friends, about my feelings. I have trouble a lot of the time telling Calla how I feel, and it’s not just because we don’t have a lot of opportunity for private conversations.I’m not sure what I can do about it, though, because it’s hard to practice.I’m open to advice, though.
I sometimes get the feeling that there a lot of things that Calla doesn’t tell me because she’s worried that she’ll scare me off or drive me away. That worries me, because I don’t know how to prove to her that I’m not going anywhere. I don’t know that I can, really. I know that her fear of abandonment is probably justified, and I know that makes it hard to trust people; it took me a long time to learn how to trust people, and for me it’s still kind of an all-or-nothing thing – I either don’t trust someone, or trust them completely. But I care about her, a lot, and I just want to be someone she can count on.
Anyway, in my free time, I’ve started watching Supernatural, which is kinda all about two brothers driving around in a muscle car killing supernatural creatures and being laconic and brooding. Eventually angels and demons and things get mixed in. I bought a book called Supernatural and Philosophy, that I bet deconstructs this show and looks at deeper philosophical issues – good vs. evil, free will, Chevy vs. Ford, things like that. I don’t know how much I really want to bring philosophy into what is essentially kind of mindless, but fun, action-horror, but I find the idea intriguing. I’ve got other stuff to read before that, though, so I guess I’ll find out later.
Also, on the cooking front, I’ve cooked a lot of things involving broccoli and cauliflower, a couple types of risotto, a very tasty potato soup, and a deep-dish pizza with crust just a little too thick.. I’ve also made pumpkin butterscotch cookies, which are quite tasty, and I have my place set up to make apple pie egg rolls, complete with caramel dipping sauce, should I have the company. I’m looking for something else, though; I don’t really know what yet. I take requests, but nobody has requested anything, so I’m at a loss currently. I also take suggestions here.